If The Buddha Got Stuck (Charlotte Kasl)

Perennial favorites, Charlotte Kasl’s If the Buddha Dated, If the Buddha Married and If the Buddha Had Kids have inspired readers with their empowering balance of spiritual and psychological wisdom. This wise yet lighthearted book extends on Dr. Kasl's trademark insight to speak to anyone who's ever experienced being stuck in life. With her signature clarity, wisdom, and wit, she presents seven simple yet profound steps on the path to change: Notice Where You're Stuck; Show Up; Pay Attention; Live in Reality; Connect with Others, Connect with Life; Move from Thought to Action; and Let Go.

Full of insight from Buddhist and other teachings that emphasize the joy that comes with letting go of fears and attachments, If the Buddha Got Stuck is an inspirational and practical roadmap to a happier, more peaceful, and more fulfilling life.

These are my reading notes from this book, and are incomplete. All errors, omissions, and misrepresentations are mine.

Step one: Feel your longing, notice where you're stuck

Feeling "stuck" in your mind can often manifest itself as tight, rigid, constricting feelings in the body. Emotions we fail to express can produce severe physical responses – exhaustion, anxiety, and depression.

Becoming "unstuck" is reaching an internal stability to remain calm amid the storm; to have courage to make major changes without losing sight of the little things we can do each day to soothe us, delight us, and bring us back to ourselves.

What keeps us stuck?

1. A sense of helplessness or lack of entitlement – we have difficulty mobilizing ourselves, feeling powerless to take that first step. Even as we work hard at unrewarding jobs, we balk at stretching our minds or learning a new skill that could help us move up.
2. Negative thinking – we come up with excuses to not change: it's too hard, it hasn't worked before, it's too embarrassing, it's the wrong time, it's uncomfortable etc.
3. Keeping life chaotic – impulsivity and emotion take the place of reason and planning. We get distracted, unable to finish tasks or stick to a plan. We bounce from one calamity to the next.
4. An inability to calm or soothe ourselves in healthy ways – we don't breathe deeply, ask for support, or take a break; instead, we resort to compulsive behavior, addictions, drugs, or overthinking our problem for hours on end. We use these counterfeit behaviors as escape hatches, as short-term forms of relief that block long-term happiness.
5. Difficulty connecting with other people and a lack of a support system – we isolate ourselves, feeling anxious around others. Our fear of being shamed or abandoned causes us to miss out on the support, inspiration, and friendship that can be hugely motivational.
6. Looking to external sources for a sense of happiness or to feel worthwhile – we try to anchor ourselves solely with fame, money, sex, achievements, belief systems, or religion, while neglecting to center and be at peace with ourselves.
7. Lack of an adequate concept of self-care and setting limits – we neglect some or all the elements of self-care: getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, making our living conditions pleasant, having fun, not becoming overly stressed, exploring our talents, living our own lives, saying no without guilt or fear.
8. A sense of self that's identified with images, concepts and beliefs – we focus on the image of how we want to appear, instead of finding out who we really are. We see things in black and white, instead of being able to see the different interpretations behind concepts and ideas.
9. Repeating the same behavior and hoping the outcome will be different – we keep doing the same old thing, hoping by magic there will be a new result.
10. Focusing on how overwhelming or how bad life is – we continually focus on how overwhelmed, upset, and unhappy we feel; talking about it and bonding with others over our plight. We don't ask ourselves, "what is one thing I can do today to make myself feel better?"

What can help us stay unstuck?

Of course we all get stuck sometimes – but we can regroup and keep going with the help of the following traits.

1. Confidence in our capacity to problem-solve and take action – focus on all possibilities, try many solutions, and be open to creative approaches to solve problems. If one thing doesn't work, try something else.
2. Unwillingness to remain in extremely unhappy or stressful situations indefinitely – we aren't willing to be sick and depressed indefinitely without doing something to try to remedy the situation: resolve it, alter it, or leave.
3. Ability to give and receive support from friends and family – we're embedded in a community of friends, family, or spirituality, and can reach out for comfort.
4. Not attaching our identity or ego to success or failure – we may enjoy success, but the real joy is in the adventure: learning, creating, knowing, growing, having new experiences. We don't depend on achievement for a sense of self-worth; we just ask what we can learn from a bad experience, and move on.
5. Willingness to experiment and try new ways of doing things; willingness to make mistakes – we aren't hampered by endless thoughts of being right or wrong, of succeeding or failing. We may get mad, upset, or frustrated, but we cool down and try again.
6. Ability to tolerate frustration and uneasiness in the interest of taking on a challenge – we're willing to stretch our limits when it's required for a new adventure or in order to improve our life.
7. Possessing a sense of humor and lightheartedness – we see ourselves as part of a greater flow of life and energy, and so it's easier to not be self-absorbed, easier to find our mistakes and foibles amusing and just part of life, easier to have mercy on ourselves.
8. Demonstrating profound care and concern for the well-being of all life – we see ourselves as part of a larger community, and participate in alleviating suffering, bringing kindness to others, and creating a more just world.

To start becoming unstuck, we must first be completely compassionate and merciful with ourselves, accepting who we are at this moment. We must step away from focusing on the stuck aspects of our life, and instead shift to proactive thinking, finding the items on the unstuck list that are within our grasp and taking them on. We need to start noticing when we are acting from an emotionally charged mind, and when we're bringing reason, reality, and a long-term plan to our thinking.

We should be aware of when we're stuck, and when we're floundering – the space between letting go of one job and finding another, the dissonance before the resolution, the tension before the relaxation. Floundering is a necessary part of change, and our ability to tolerate this discomfort helps us not make hasty decisions to quell our agitation, to ride it out and keep looking for a situation that's better. It is simultaneously uncomfortable and exciting – so much is open to us, and we can talk to others, hear their stories, play with ideas, and explore new possibilities while we watch our path unfold.

The teachings of the Buddha; The Four Noble Truths

The Buddha's focus was to explore the cause of suffering and the end of suffering. When we understand that our misery is mostly self-created through thoughts, attachments, or being controlled by desires, we will be equipped to move out of stuck places.

The First Noble Truth, the Truth of Dukkha: Life inevitably includes suffering or difficulty.

We all experience change, loss, disappointment, illness, and death. When we fight against this, we create an inner duality that leads to tension and suffering.

Dukkha refers to wheels that with axles that are off center or bones that have slipped out of their sockets. The "Truth of Dukkha" asserts that we live life off center when we resist our experience by blaming or saying it's unfair or shouldn't have happened.

The Second Noble Truth: Life is painful or difficult because of our attachments.

We suffer when we demand that life must be different, when we live with continuous "shoulds" in our minds instead of accepting that life is challenging and difficult, that bosses will be too demanding, that babies will cry. When we are upset when something doesn't go our way, it means we're demanding that a person or situation be different than it is – that attachment is creating our suffering, not the actual event.

Habitually holding back our grief, sorrow, anger, and hurt is an attachment in itself – an attachment to not feeling. This results in automatic defensiveness or tightening up when faced with life situations: a sense of being off-center that is conveyed through our body language and voice, leading to samsara, the wheel of suffering.

There's a paradox of attachment: if we are miserable with our current situation, shouldn't we dissolve our attachments to our situation being different and just accept it? But Buddhism doesn't teach that we should continue doing things we don't like. We should instead listen to our internal signals and realize it's time to move on.

The Third Noble Truth: Ease and peace of mind are possible.

There is a way out. If we are fully present in the moment, noticing what is happening inside and outside us, we can trade judgment, fear, and shame for curiosity and fascination. We start easing our demands and expectations, and instead just go about our lives, giving it our best, and let go of the outcome. We become an observer to life's dramas, and are no longer embroiled in them.

The Fourth Noble Truth: The path toward greater ease and peace is found in the Eightfold Path.

The Buddha has eight steps to living an enlightened life, encompassing wisdom (right view, right intentions), ethics (right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort), and meditation (right mindfulness, right concentration). They lead us away from attachments and external trappings and toward a place of truth, mindfulness, understanding, and acceptance.

Impermanence reminds us that nothing is static. Everything is dynamic, alive, interacting, in motion; we are who we are, but only in that moment. We must drop whatever creates a rigid framework and accept the steadily flowing, ever-changing stream of life.

Form is emptiness, and emptiness is form. Our thoughts, bodies, minds, and everything around us are all made of one energy, the energy of all creation. While we're upset or stressed here, the earth continues to spin around the sun, animals are hunting for food, rivers are running, and people all over the world are having their own struggles, similar to ours or often even more challenging. Buddhism is about becoming one with the flow of life – it's all part of one journey, our personal journey and that of all people. Whatever we experience, others cycle through the same emotions and struggles, just with different rhythms, settings, and costumes. We are all bound together by a field of consciousness that permeates everything.

Remember Buddhism doesn't attach judgments to what you do – it's not about fixing ourselves or being better or worse; we can let go or not let go, and it's ultimately all one energy. Be easy with yourself.

The teachings of the Buddha should be our guide, but we shouldn't treat them as ultimate knowledge – they're the raft that takes us across the river, but when we land on the opposite shore we must walk on our own, eyes and heart open, experiencing the immensity and wonder of life.

Why is change so scary?

Change is hard because we've created counterfeit comforts and escape hatches to help us survive: sneakiness, lying, compulsive eating, shutting down, thrill seeking, burying feelings, being perfect, acting like a victim. They're hard to get rid of as it would also mean getting rid of their payoffs: the sympathy we get for playing the victim, the easy way out of blaming the world for our problems. We must become aware of these payoffs, taking responsibility for them, in order to become unstuck.

How do we identify these escape hatches? For each habit or behavior that has us stuck, see if the following items apply:

1. I get to distract myself from underlying feelings of emptiness, loneliness, fear, and sadness with this behavior.
2. This behavior is soothing and lowers my anxiety.
3. I get sympathy and attention.
4. I get approval, admiration, status, rewards, money.
5. I get a sense of intensity.
6. I get to avoid revealing myself.
7. I get to avoid taking responsibility for the state of my life.
8. I keep people from confronting me or being angry with me.
9. I get to be right, and make others wrong.
10. I get to fit in and not threaten anyone.
11. I get to have a sense of belonging.
12. I get to avoid looking at my part in a troubled situation.
13. I get to be a martyr and make other people feel guilty.
14. I have an excuse for poor performance or not being responsible.
15. I get to avoid making mistakes or feeling incompetent.
16. I get to feel sorry for myself, or they'll feel sorry for what they did!
17. I get to convince myself I'm doing something useful.
18. I get to avoid the terror of emptiness.
19. I never have to reach out to others; I get to remain invulnerable and never risk rejection by asking for help or support.
20. I get to remain in a fantasy world.

How is the payoff behavior causing you to suffer? How can you get what you want without using this payoff behavior?

Our fears are often based on anticipating shame, hurt, uneasiness, emptiness, sadness, or grief that might occur. It's a conditioned reaction, a childlike part of us perceiving the situation. If we are aware of these childhood feelings when they surface, we can give comfort to them, reassure them that we can take care of ourselves now and there's no need for fear anymore.

To move on with life is to penetrate our fears, observe them, and step through them. We ask, "what's the worst that could happen?" – in most cases, it'll be okay anyway. Only without fear can our mind move past obedience, and find out for itself what the original, total mind is.

Step two: Show up

"Who is wise? He who learns from all men."
"Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside us."

Everything is energy: all people, all life, all feelings, all things. Even if we don't know what we want to change, we can open ourselves to life's experiences, and tune in to messages we get from people, books, situations, events, and stillness. We meet life with fascination and curiosity, instead of fear, worry, and foreboding. What calls us, what stirs us to excitement, what touches on our life's desires, while also fitting in the context of integrity, honesty, kindness, and doing no harm?

Mind, body, and spirit are all connected: our emotional and biochemical networks; our connections to people, nature, and the world. Stimulating any part of it – learning a new skill, reconnecting with an old friend, focusing on being true to ourselves, telling someone we messed up or that we feel lost or clumsy – wakes up a part of ourselves and increases our inner flow, feeding into our well-being. We should show up for what we need in our lives: going out and doing something, or taking time for stillness, reflection, journaling, and meditation. Do less of what drains you, and more of what feeds your life.

We can show up even when we're not confident or fearless – every time we reveal more of ourselves, it increases our inner flow, and helps us relax into our natural selves. Nothing is inherently bad about messing up, and denying us that experience is the same as denying ourselves. Take our perfectly imperfect self and show up for something new – a conversation, a class, a quiet hour – and see what happens.

What can stimulate our hearts and minds can also stimulate others' – a welcoming smile, a hug, or help when it's needed can make a huge difference in someone else's life and spirit.

There are two parts within us: one part that plays our instrument, and our ego that needs to get out of the way. We must step out of our own way, letting "our own nature resume itself". Feel its presence, no matter what we're doing, and our heightened sensitivity will make all of life an art form. Let our thoughts amble through our mind, passing through like clouds.

"When we do something with a quiet, simple, clear mind, we have no notion or shadows, and our activity is strong and straightforward. But when we do something with a complicated mind, in relationship to other things, people, or society, our activity becomes very complex." –Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

A beginner's mind has no judgments, no dogma, no rules, no expectations, no agenda for the outcome. We're just following something deep inside. This is in contrast to acting from the ego self, seeking praise, reward, or admiration, which will never be truly satisfied.

To momentarily enter a beginner's mind, ask yourself the following question very slowly, letting go as you read: "Without language, memory, mind, interpretations, or expectations, what is... happiness?" Step beyond language, memory, etc., and float into the momentary blankness or void that remains. Then, repeat with other words like guilt, shame, joy, love, anger, and goodness instead of happiness.

Throughout the day, observe as you move between a relaxed mind – a beginner's mind, and when you're operating with your ego – tense and grasping.

The smallest, simplest thing can be the spark that energizes your cells and creates a shift inside. Do it often, and it'll add up to significant change. Each day, talk to someone new, do something new, learn something new; and take a few minutes for introspection, breathing, writing, and gratitude.

Step three: Pay attention

By paying attention to ourselves, we can find out our own rhythms and harmonies. Being mindful of our emotional, physical, intuitive reactions to different situations will give us important data and information to help inform our decisions. We must slow our inner voices down, take them apart, and listen to each one.

The Eight Worldly Winds

In Buddhism, there are Eight Worldly Winds that can throw us off center, pull us off course:

Pleasure and pain,
gain and loss,
praise and blame,
fame and shame.

Think through how each of these influences shape our lives, and how each causes a chain of suffering and takes us away from joy, passion, and heart. For example, fame causes us to overwork, put on a mask to impress people. We end up having intense internal dialogues, strategizing, planning, worrying, and hoping; our breathing becomes shallow and we are no longer able to relax. And when we don't achieve the fame we want, we end up becoming angry and blaming others, causing us to feel more alone.

The shelter from the Eight Worldly Winds is mindfulness, awareness, fascination, and curiosity: finding out who we are – our physical sensations, internal dialogues, energy levels, and emotional states – instead of trying to "be" something. We must fully engage with what we are doing, treasure our life, be touched by beauty, develop our talents, and feel our connections with others.

Find our observer

We must watch ourselves continuously, moment by moment, missing nothing. If we find our observer, our kindly witness – "there goes me doing X again" – we can prevent ourselves from falling into negativity, losing our identity. Observing ourselves will naturally create positive change; as we bring awareness to our habits, we will be less likely to keep doing the same old thing unconsciously.

Is our life full of little pieces of chaos – misplacing our keys, running out of milk, paying bills late? Each small irritation causes our body to tighten up and secrete stress hormones. Is our attachment to stuff really making us happy, relaxed, and content? Instead of having such a cluttered life, what makes us feel a sense of beauty and calm? When we have less to take care of, worry about, or lock up, life is simpler – by clearing our clutter, we can have a relaxing home base from which to venture out and explore, and have the time and energy for whatever brings joy, beauty, and depth to our lives.

We must also observe our minds, seeing the rise and fall of our thoughts and the role they play in our suffering as well as our joy and power. Our mind exists in two parts: our conditioned mind, made up of all we have been taught by family, culture, and social systems; and our creative mind, our thoughts that emanate from stillness, fascination, curiosity, and interest, our thoughts that come from who we really are. Our conditioned mind and its external inputs of rules and judgments can get us off course, and we must retrace our steps to get back to our natural selves.

We're always part of something bigger – we're just a bubble floating in the ocean of the universe, and will eventually dissolve back in. We are, always have been, and always will be part of the One Substance of the universe that can neither be created or destroyed. This too, shall pass – all things, our physical body, emotions, joys, and thoughts, are just one moment in the cosmic scope of time.

Step out of false core beliefs

The "I Am" is that place of simply being. It is spontaneous, creative, receptive, and open, unhindered by rigid, shoulds, rules, concepts, and fixed beliefs. It is where we all began life. It is the place of our humanity – where pure love exists. From the "I Am", we see into the heart of all things.

"And if the earthly has forgotten you, say to the still earth, I flow. To the rapid water speak: I am."

We begin life in a state of "I Am" feeling at one with all others and the universe, but very soon, we find our own identity as a human being; language, beliefs, and fitting in begin to overshadow the simplicity and peacefulness of "I am". We start feeling frustrated, unhappy, or scared. We start creating core beliefs that are fundamentally false:

• I am defective
• I am shameful
• I am unlovable
• I am powerless over my life
• I am unwanted
• I will always be abandoned
• My body is defective or shameful
• I am worthless
• I am inadequate
• I don't exist
• I am alone

One of these false core beliefs ends up becoming central to our personality, and we veer off in one of two ways:

• Some people deny their own strength and right to self-expression, and seek security through others: I'll be rescued; some day my prince will come.
• Others deny their need for human connection, affiliation, care, and support and take on the stance, you can't count on anyone; I can do it myself.

We do one of the above or some of both, but regardless, we end up fragmented as we deny our intelligence, ability to act, anger, fear, or grief. We spend our energy pushing away parts of ourselves, making us uneasy and off-center, self-absorbed and anxious.

We compensate for false core beliefs by pursuing power, money, praise, and adoration, which only creates suffering as we're fighting a losing battle. Our ego will always try to expand itself, and we will forever attempt to either prove or disprove the false belief about ourselves, which giving it credence and therefore existence. We bounce between the two, with each side sabotaging the other. No amount of success or admiration will dispel the uneasiness that results.

The only way out of this trap is to realize that our core belief is false, that we can step beyond it. Find the beliefs that ring the most true for ourselves, and see how they drive our thoughts and our actions throughout the day. See their negative impact on your health, well-being, happiness. Answer the following questions:

1. What beliefs about myself am I trying to prove or disprove?
2. What behaviors are a result of these beliefs? What are the costs of being controlled by them?
3. Are these behaviors helping to create peace of mind, ease, and happiness?
4. What would happen if I gave up trying to prove anything?

Feel the freedom of beginner's mind

To live in the realm of Buddha nature means to die as a small being, moment after moment.

Don't let our ego attach to our ideas as our identity, as our self-image, or anything new that comes along will automatically throw us off our equilibrium – we will feel personally attacked when people disagree with our beliefs. We must become okay with letting go of concepts and ideas, letting those small parts of us die if faced with new information – only then do we become free to be delighted by life's wonders.

The beginner's mind is the best place to be:

1. It's fun, playful, creative, and dynamic – you can play with ideas without getting defensive about them.
2. Fascination and curiosity displace guilt, shame, rigidity, platitudes, and a narrow perspective.
3. It's more interesting than a preconditioned mind because it has room for subtleties, nuance, and fresh ideas.
4. You become receptive and interested in other people rather than defensive, rigid, and afraid.
5. Your mind quiets down and you experience greater ease and calm.
6. Your heart and body and freed to truly love.

Step four: Live in reality, listen to your truths

To live in reality is to take the fear out of our hearts, the blinders off our eyes, the censors out of our minds, and the mufflers off our ears and see the whole picture of life with its many shades and colors – from beauty, joy, and love, to suffering, pain, and cruelty.

If it's cold and rainy, don't say "it's a nasty day"; just say "it's cold and rainy". When we move away from reality into interpretations, judgments, and conclusions, we move away from our deepest experience of life.

Living in reality allows us to feel our emotions, to notice what we truly want and don't want. Instead of letting the censors, critics, and saboteurs in our minds make judgments about everything, we simply listen to what people are saying, listen to what our own feelings are saying.

Living in reality also allows us to notice the love, beauty, and kindness around us, and opens the way to loving relationships. I'm here with you right now, not some image of what I want you to be, not some fearsome face from the past. Looking at each other without the barriers and screens of our prejudices lets us be in true communion with each other, in heart, mind, and spirit.

Seeing clearly in the present requires us to see clearly in the past as well: we must recognize the conclusions and judgments we hold from the distant past, and ask how we can step through them in the present to do something new, real, and true.

Letting go like this will feel unsettling, and our emotional experience can change dramatically as unfamiliar feelings arise and fall. But if we keep pace with our experience, letting ourselves be astonished and then changed, we will start getting unstuck in all aspects of our being. Willingness to be unsure, uncomfortable, and unknowing will open the road to freedom.

Start to see without filters. Take off your veil of tired old reactions and patterns, and step into the reality of the moment.

Become aware of the stories you tell yourself – they only detract from your current experience, feelings, and emotions, by commenting on life instead of living it. Stay away from I can't because..., I think it should..., I want... Move into current time and say what's in your heart, what has you worried, what you are scared about – only from this place can relationships change. Drop the story and take action – take a step, then another, then another, anxiety and all. Come into the whole truth of the present moment and let your strong energy (joy or sorrow) shake things loose, instead of hiding in fright by jumping into a story.

Try to perceive every situation or problem in as many ways as you can. See it from the perspective of other people involved. Be aware of when we're attributing our own negative feelings to others.

At the same time, speak honestly without gauging the reactions of others. Don't distort truth to gain approval or avoid getting in trouble.

1. State facts without without exaggerating, diminishing, or distorting anything.
2. Tell the truth about our inner experience. Be clear with our feelings.
3. Explore our motivation

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